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It’s been about a year since I last felt normal, but even then I wasn’t. Last year around my birthday was the last time I had a good, happy week. I saw and talked to my kids a lot, their mother didn’t hate me at the time, and all seemed like it was going to get better. Since then, my kids’ mother is keeping my kids from me and makes excuses to try to justify herself. I can’t even have friends because if she sees someone leave my apartment, guy or girl, she will not let my kids see me and say it’s because she doesn’t know that person, even though when I have my kids, I don’t let anyone come around.
Read more: A Heart of Hope – Prevention of Suicide
On the other hand, she can have guy after guy go in and out of her place, be sleeping with 3 or 4 different guys, and have different people in her van. She’s even picked up random people on the street. Every time I try to talk to her and invite her and the kids over to just watch a movie and eat so she can be there to make sure no one comes in, she rejects me. Every time I try anything, she rejects me, but she goes out of town every weekend and is drive around with some dude doing nothing productive, and still rejects my pleas for time with my kids because she “doesn’t have time or gas.”
Read more: The Struggle of a Wife
It’s getting harder and harder every day just not to give up and do something stupid to end this pain and misery that she’s causing by not letting me see my kids. I don’t think I am, but I may be a bad person and a bad father and worthless completely, but she knows that I love my kids more than life itself and every day I hurt more and more because I can’t and haven’t seen or hugged or kissed my precious children in so long. I honestly just want the pain to stop, one way, or the other.