Depression

When I was a young child, I was sexually abused by my stepdad. My mother did not believe me even when the state took me away and gave custody to my grandparents. She stayed with this man for 2 years after he had been to jail for not only abusing me but two other girls in our neighborhood.

I am a 50-year-old widow and I am bipolar. I was an addict and I was never dual diagnosed so I admitted myself into mental institution thinking I was having a nervous breakdown. I found out I was bipolar. My depression has gotten worse since last year when I lost my husband in March.

In all honesty, if it wasn’t for my daughter, I would’ve probably ended it all years ago. I’m not normal, and I’m ok with that. I do my best with what I’ve got. I’ve been doing a little better the last few years thanks to my amazing support system.

I feel like no one understands me. I feel like I don't fit in here and everything that I ever loved I lost...All I have are memories which people love but I don't. My memories make me sad because I miss them. I wish I could erase all my memories. I don't want to feel anymore... I don’t want to hurt anymore.

My first childhood memory is not one that I want to remember, but I can't forget - I am still in diapers, hiding under the kitchen sink and being pulled out by my arm, forced onto the lap of the red-haired man. My diaper pulled off. I learned to look out the window and watch the leaves.

In my early twenties, I started using harder drugs such as powdered cocaine, pills, and alcohol. That poison took me to some very scary and dark places. Ten years of incarceration, lost loves, lost relationships, material possessions, peace of mind, depression, anxiety, and now at the age of 40 I finally have a clue.

There are days when I'm happy-ish, laughing and just relaxed- but it goes back into a world of silence when I get 'idle too long'; my mind tends to become its own entity and I think. I'm a natural thinker and it gives me headaches. I analyze all that's said to me to make sure I get what's said and does it make sense.

I used to have five children, but now I have four because my daughter passed away at three and a half years old. She was my younger son's twin sister. Then, 4 months later, my mother passed away. When she passed away I kept thinking I was next, I was going to pass away.