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My depression is a shapeshifter, one day it’s as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear, the next it is the bear. On those days, I play dead until the bear leaves me alone. I call those days the dark days. Mom says to try lighting some candles, but whenever I see a candle I see the flesh of the church, I’m standing next to an open casket and it’s the moment I realize that everyone I’ve ever come to know will someday die.
Read more: The Way I Got Through my Depression
I’m not afraid of the dark, but I guess that’s a part of the problem. I can’t get out of bed because my anxiety holds me hostage inside my head! Mom asked me where anxiety came from. Anxiety is the cousin visiting from out of town that depression felt obligated to bring to the party and I am the party! Only, I’m at yet another party I just don’t want to be at. Mom asked why I don’t make actual friends and make plans. Sure, I make plans, but I don’t want to go.
Can’t you see? Every night Insomnia sweeps me up into its arms, dips me in the kitchen in the small glow of the stove light, insomnia has this romantic way of making the moon feel like perfect company. My mom says try counting sheep, but my mind can only count reasons to stay awake, so I go for walks. In reality, I am only sleepwalking on top of an ocean of happiness I’ll never find a way to baptize myself in. Mom says that I am so good at making something out of nothing and then flat out asked me if I’m afraid of dying, but no! I am afraid of staying alive!
Read more: Painful Disguise – Depression Poem
What I have been through has taught me how to turn my loneliness into anger, and my anger into being busy. When I say I’ve been busy lately, what I mean by that is I’ve been falling asleep watching TV on the couch to avoid confronting the empty side of my bed, but my depression always drags me right back to it. The hollow auditorium of my chest salons with echoes of a heartbeat, but I am just a careless tourist here, I‘ll never truly know everywhere I’ve been. Can you understand a little more now?
Neither can I…