What do you consider to be your worst fears with Schizophrenia?
I hear the voices inside my head, coming at me, judging, patronizing.
“You are worthless!” They said.
She is schizophrenic, she is a liar,
she cannot do all that she said she could, they all contend.
My heart palpitates with fear, as the hallucination extend,
trying to disconnect from the voices inside my head.
“Let’s cook her,” one said.
“No, let’s eat her after we are done and be done with her.”
“She is trying to rebel, I can read her thoughts, she is trying to push us out.”
“I guess she is tired of all the commotion.” Another shout
I paced the floor, walking back and forth, unable to sit still, as anxiety takes over,
I fight with my fears, wondering, “Oh God! Will this ever end?”
I take up my pen and a piece of paper, accustomed, now, to these haunting lot.
I write down a phrase, a quote, then drew a funny figure.
It brought a smile to my face. It felt good, creating a blockage, to the diatribes of evil.
I continue to write, ignoring the daunting voices,
screaming at me, trying to deliberate my fate.
I sit now, engulfed by paranoia, the fear fixated inside my head.
Sometimes it gets so exhausting; I lose sight of who I am or what I am fighting.
With each day’s passing, the struggle goes on and on…
My sanity is at stake, my dignity as a human,
I suddenly become this frightened little girl,
living inside the mirage of a body that looks like a woman.
Who is constantly attacked, scrutinized and evaluated?
Leaving me, the little girl, inside, with incomplete pieces…
of whom I really am, fighting to discard the relics,
so I can become a whole being of worth and dignity.
I get stuck inside my head, at times deliberating,
which moves to make, to rid me from the shackles … of these voices,
that never let up, dissipate nor get evaporated.
Even when I am doped up with risperidone the atypical antipsychotics.
I may experience, the thrill for a moment of having a bit of clarity.
But then reality steps in and I walk on, fearful like a child,
the outcome, of another relapse, lurking around the corner.
Accompanied by these haunting voices.
What do you use as your support tool to help you cope with Schizophrenia?