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My attempt at explaining what PTSD does to those who experience it, in an attempt to tell my friends what it is that has made act so weird lately. I am perfectly fine if anyone here who suffers needs to use this to possibly help someone know the truth behind the name of PTSD.
I have carried so much for so long, and was recently so hurt by learning someone’s feelings for me had not been real, and the pain that I felt after giving so much… It was more than anyone could know. Every pain that I had ever felt, every emotion that I had ever experienced, and every life altering image that I had been subjected to, and the traumatic events that I endured were all released inside of me by those words being so hard and breaking the dam that was holding them off. And now, they are stronger than anything imaginable and I am struggling to get it out before I am consumed by the evil that I can’t even begin to explain.
I suffer from PTSD, but PTSD is only the name.
The symptoms are the things that nobody can know unless they are willing to read, and it takes the strength of God, and lengths of courage that is not easily accessible by us that are dealt this vicious battle with pure evil. I fight with Satan daily, so that I might be able to beat him one day. If you read, you will learn how some who experience PTSD are never the same after their battle and are usually permanently altered.
I will lose all ability to function at times, and often be unable to think due to the confusion, and not be able to rationalize at all. I am constantly anxiety-ridden, never relaxed, go days without sleep, and almost a month now without more than 4 or 5 bites of food. I am broken, confused, lost, and spiritually numb. All of which is only caused by one of the several symptoms that I battle. I have gone to a great distance in my fight, and am now growing weak. I am summoning the courage that you could not fathom unless you yourself experience this.
The only way for me to put it into terms that you can possibly imagine is to make you imagine being front row and seeing the battle between God and Satan for my soul. My mind is the devil, and my heart is the Good. And I am hopeful that prayers and possible actions of others can be felt and seen by my heart and used to strengthen the dwindling amount of good left in myself.
Thanks for taking the time to read this. I hope that you are willing to help, and educate yourself on the fact that PTSD is only the name, and learn how to help. Know that I might be able to get through it and continue my life. But I will more than likely never be the Shawn that you knew. And I will most likely bare some of the symptoms for the rest of my life.
God bless those who read and are willing to research on the injury that has made me speak now.
And know that I remained silent so that my battles would not be told, because the evil would have taken that as a sign of weakness and I would have given it more fire to damage me further. Speaking now is still taking vast amounts of courage, for the danger is still very, very real, and the evil is only held back by the medication that I will soon not be able to afford due to all of this rendering me unable to work, and my insurance will be canceled.
I hope that those who read, don’t read with the eyes and mind, but with your heart and soul so that you might possibly be a little more able to understand what I live. To feel how terrifying it is when your worst possible imaginable nightmares are brought to life within yourself and you not only had no choice in it happening, but also had no warnings, or signs, which meant no preparation of any kind. And you will be alone in the dark and unable to feel anything except for what your own mind remembered and labeled as painful, self-doubt, anger, and any other negatively labeled memories. That your mind uses to destroy all of any good and replace it with a thought of your only way out is to kill it.
Killing it means allowing the symptoms of PTSD which include several that cause suicidal thoughts.. Educate yourself and know that you can help.