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As I face Moderate Depression, it’s very hard sometimes to get out of the bed. I take Citalopram- generic for Celexa, 10mg. It helps, keeps me mellow. That is fine but when I feel overwhelmed, I want to cry from frustration.
The pain from feeling alone as if no one will understand is the hardest. My youngest daughter, who is 26, calms me down a lot and is my biggest supporter. My mother, 77, is my ear to listen. My daughter has changed her life by devoting more to her upbringing- the church and knowing who her creator is. With her faith in Christ, she has changed me in many ways by remaining calm, talking and reminding me that she loves me.
Read more: Depression and Prison – My Life
I feel her love and the desire to make me feel important, but too many times I feel like a failure- to my 2 girls, my mom and myself. I should be in a better position financially but I am not. I don’t have the job I want, I am divorced for 2 years now, but I am fine with that even though I wish I knew why he didn’t grow up and find his own way. I graduated college on 3/27/17 with Health/Wellness Administration certificate.
I am grateful for all I have been through and consider my experience to be a lesson. That doesn’t change the way I see myself. I often have thoughts of what if I wasn’t here then what would they do, what if I left who will really miss me, what if I died-who would really notice. I hear the thoughts and ponder as I try to understand why I’m still down.
Life throws things at you as lessons and I believe that more now as I have gotten older – I am 46 now. How we respond to the tests shows our character. I often withdraw and think about robbing something and making it, winning the lottery and leaving the family. It goes back to knowing my mom will be alone and I have a granddaughter who is now 9 months old and I’m Nonna- Italian for grandmother.
I know I am here for a purpose but do not see what kind of purpose. I know God is my all and I am still down due to obstacles. There are days when I’m happy-ish, laughing and just relaxed- but it goes back into a world of silence when I get ‘idle too long’; my mind tends to become its own entity and I think. I’m a natural thinker and it gives me headaches. I analyze all that’s said to me to make sure I get what’s said and does it make sense.
I typed all of this because I feel I am going to explode mentally and emotionally. Writing about it gives me some relief.