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On October 30th, 2017 I found out I was pregnant with my second child. I was so excited I just didn’t know what to say, but I knew in my heart that I couldn’t have this baby. My soul was so hurt the day I had to make a decision to abort it. I really didn’t want to do it but I had no choice. The crazy thing was I knew something was wrong with me but I just didn’t know what it was. I was sitting on the steps with my husband in our building, and I just felt this weird sensation in my lower abdomen. I thought I was sick.
A week later I thought, “Maybe we need to go get a pregnancy test.” I’m always having pregnancy scares so I got one and I took it the next day. When I waited those two minutes the result popped up saying that I was pregnant. At that time, I was living with his mother and our first child Amiyra. I didn’t tell his mother until like 3 weeks later. She said that she already knew a while before I told her. Now, she gave me an ultimatum. I already knew what I had to do but I didn’t want to do it. This was the hardest decision of my life to make only because of my first child. I was 18 having a newborn.
Read more: Abortion: Why Me?
The difference between my first and my second was that my first was very special for me.
Every child is special but the problem with the second one was that I wasn’t stable. I didn’t want to terminate the baby but I had no choice. It was like life gave me an ultimatum – either struggle with one or struggle with two and go through even more hell. I wasn’t happy about the decision. It took me two and a half months to even go through with the process.
When the day of the process came I was so nervous. It was a huge difference for me to see my child on the monitor and to sit there and get rid of it. In my mind, I was having a boy because that baby gave me hard time. I threw up every day in the morning. I just felt a kind of bond with my second child like I did with my first one. On the day of the surgery I wanted to run but I knew if I ran it wasn’t going to fix anything. The hardest part of the whole procedure was sitting there on the operating table while they’re suctioning a life out of you.
I would tell any woman it’s not a good feeling to go through an abortion and don’t stand for it.
I’ve never stood for abortions, so for me to have one was just a life-changing experience. I’m doing much better now but every time I think about it I think that I could have had my baby right about now. I’m still torn in pieces. I don’t think I’ll ever get over it. Now when my husband talks about having a son, I’m just like well we could have had one, but being financially unstable and not having your own place will put you in the loop.
Read more: Losing My Twin Girls at 22 Weeks Pregnant
I didn’t know what it was like to be on my own. I was used to living with my parents. Now I’m 21 in my own apartment with my daughter and my husband and when I look back on this, I just wish things could have been different. I still get flashbacks feeling that pain of force, raw, empty inside. I can’t feel movements anymore. I can’t go through the experiences of being in pain again. All the other stuff “Yeah it might sound like a bad feeling but, it’s what you go through to create life.” I know I would have been a great mom to him but, I promise to my next child I’ll never do that again. I never wanted to kill a life.
My heart cries every day because of this. It means so much to me to share this story. I hope others take this as a learning experience. Have kids only when you’re ready. It hurts my soul to know something could have been alive and breathing and now it is not here. Thank you for letting me share this story, it was a relief for me. I cried while writing this but I’m ok and I hope you can be too.