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My story begins by being born from a young mother who was sick with a heroin addiction.
She was too sick to care for me and often was abandoned and severely neglected. I was in and out of the hospitals many times in my infancy due to malnutrition, being fed spoiled milk, severe diaper rash, respiratory infections and so on.
Around 18 months old was in car accident, hit by a drunk driver and wasn’t in car seat flew out of the car and ended up with bleeding in the brain, contusions on face and body was in a coma for three months. After being released from hospital my mother left me with an adult who was an alcoholic and passed out, at 11 pm police found me wondering the streets unclothed at around two years old. Was taken into the foster system and became a ward of the court from two years old to 19 years old.
Read more: My Personal Fight With PTSD and Depression
During that time I was physically disabled due to a car accident and never got the treatment I needed. Was sexually assaulted before the age of five, sexually assaulted between the ages of ten and thirteen, sexually assaulted between the ages of fifteen and seventeen years old. Also, sexually assaulted between twenty-five and at thirty-five years old.
Physically, emotionally, verbally and spiritually abused between the years of two to thirty-three. From childhood to early twenties was considered mute wasn’t taught how to communicate with others.
Moved around more than 100 times and lived with hundreds of strangers in my life, they were considered like my family. The church was illegal for me from two to nineteen years old wasn’t allowed in the system to force religion on foster children. Ran away numerous times throughout my life, homeless for ten years plus.
My mother was murdered by her pimp when I was sixteen years old she was only thirty-four years old. Never knew my family except for my sister from my mother’s side who was also put into the system. I met some family members later on in my life, I met some on mother’s side after she passed and met some of my father’s side in my early thirties.
From fifteen to now I deal with insomnia, depression, anxiety, PTSD, BPD (Borderline Personalities), PMDD, Anger Issues, self-destructive behaviors, and an addictive personality. Also homicidal and suicidal tendencies.
As far as physical issues I deal with seizures, hearing loss, paralysis on the left side of the body and a fracture in my C-1 (the spinal column that connects to the skull. Not supposed to do high-risk activities but I only have one life so if it’s something that I’m really interested in I’m going to take that risk and know if I end up a paraplegic or dead at least the last thing I did was having fun.
When I was 32 years old, I was assaulted by someone who was really rough with me during a sexual encounter and caused three of my cervical spine columns to protrude that caused severe spinal cord damage, nerve damage and was turning into a paraplegic. Paralysis was kicking in really bad wasn’t able to hold things in my hands or write. Wasn’t able to feel when I had to use the restroom. I had severe nerve pain to the point where I couldn’t move my left arm. Went to Drs and found out that I had the C-1 fracture, three protruding disks in the cervical spine, stenosis of the spine, degenerative bone disease in upper spine and arthritis in the upper spine. Due to paralysis kicking in I needed a spinal fusion to release pressure off of spinal cord.
Surgery went well but down in recovery my lung collapsed and my heart stopped for four minutes was considered dead until they could find my emergency contact. Was put on defibrillator and they put chest tubes in to bring me back to life. Between 2016-17 had two right knee surgeries in a years time. I had a tear in my meniscus and arthritis behind the kneecap, second surgery another tear in my meniscus, a tear in my ACL and another shaving for arthritis in the same knee. Have a deranged knee cap but surgeon says I’m too young to get a replacement.
I live with chronic pain due to neck and knee surgeries. I don’t take pain medicine because they don’t work and because my Dr told me people who deal with chronic pain aren’t supposed to take pain medicine for the rest of their lives and need to learn how to cope with their pain. Now when it comes to my mental health issues a lot of it’s due to trauma, abuse, abandonment and trust issues and pent-up issues that I never dealt with. I have a past of self-destructive behaviors like taking way to many pills and mixing them with alcohol then getting in the bath and passing out. Cutting and burning myself to get a release to help deal with severe anxiety or emotional pain.
In my early years, sixteen to mid-twenties had impulsive careless sex with men that I had no emotional connection with. I was never shown love or taught how to love so I used sex and listening to men who told me the wrong things that made me think I was loving them but turned out not to be correct. I’ve had a few family members who were murdered at a young age. I also lived in neighborhoods that were infested with homicides never was there a day that there wasn’t a homicide that I had to walk two little girls through when I was their live-in nanny. I’ve witnessed many violent crimes a ton of domestic violence and have been involved in two shootings were I was in the car that was being shot at. Became numb to violence and can become non-empathetic to when it comes to death.
Unless it involves children, elderly, innocent people or careless behavior that causes a waste of life on both sides and all the pain it causes to the families and communities. I’ve dealt with drug abuse off and on for many years but never have been arrested, sold myself or lost my housing due to my drug use. I still struggle with drug use today but I find that it’s the biggest problem for me is it can make me lose my mind at times and I don’t want or plan to lose it at all.
Read more: Me, Struggling with PTSD
The major issue that I deal with is PMDD, it’s a worse case of PMS and can make me crazy and extremely emotional. I’ve found that in these last few years I’m being tested more and more to see if I’m going to end up finally giving up or trying to break me. But I know myself and even at times when I’m at the point where I was so close to ending it all, there’s always a stronger force that will take over and give me my strength back to keep fighting and believing that something bigger is out there for me. I’ve learned how to love myself a lot better but still could use some more work, learned how to love my family the ones who are in my life and the ones who aren’t. I don’t blame or hold grudges or regret anything or anyone for the life that was given to me.
My God gave it to me for a reason and I’m thankful, grateful and appreciate it all. I’ve learned a lot and I’m still learning so much. I’ve learned how to love everything and everyone near and far good or bad any religion everyone to me is a human being and all I see is clear just a human being. That deserves a chance and another chance, I believe in never giving up on a person and especially never give up on Love ever especially if you truly love that person. I don’t care how many mistakes or times they mess up I’m not going to give up on that person. Even if I have to love from far away it can be very hard and painful but I don’t believe in giving up. So final conclusion is that I’m still a work in progress, I’m mentally, spiritually, and physically stronger but I’ve also become very fragile when it comes to my mind and heart. But I can’t let my fear, insecurities, or negativity get in the way of a life that I deserve.
I think it’s time for me to know what being happy and having love in my life. As well as helping others when I can or able to. I know there’s still going to be very difficult times and continued to be tested but my beliefs, faith, strength, heart, love, patience, and giving nature I’m going to do just fine.
I believe in myself and trust that it’s all going to work out in the end.