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Having fertility issues is a demon all on its own, you hide behind your smiles when people constantly ask you about your future plans with your spouse when you’re going to have a baby if baby plans are already in play. You would think that over time it would get easier to answer the question “Oh, not yet” “We are focusing on ourselves” “We want to be stable in our careers first”.
Behind those answers, dying a little on the inside knowing the number of times you’ve tried, the 5 miscarriages had, the chemical pregnancy that you didn’t know was a thing but it is. The hormones, the amount of sheer money you have to spend on IVF for it to hopefully work. The medications you hope will get your system working again. Working in a retail store is particularly hard- opening baby and toddler apparel is a nightmare looking at all the cute clothes you want to buy but don’t have a mini to put them on. Taking care of other children like they are your own and jumping at the chance to babysit or even just hang out with a family or friend who has a baby just so you get that newborn smell, those tiny feet and hands, little hiccups and tiny eyes staring straight to your heart.
It gets harder as you get older, being at an age where all my friends are of the age that having babies is normal – or their second, third, some even their fourth. You wonder what’s wrong with you, why did this happen to you. You are happy for those who get pregnant, but it obviously doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt any less. Attending baby showers that you may never have. Knowing that adoption is the most suitable option you have if you want to have a kid or more than one. I would love to adopt, but I would also love to have one that looks like me and Sean. But, you go as hard as it is to the baby showers, you send the gifts, you say your congratulations trying your hardest to hold back tears wishing that it was you who was finally being told congratulations, getting excited about the gender, how will the nursery be decorated? What colors? It’s even more frustrating that you know that out there, is a huge number of underage girls getting pregnant by accident and you can’t even do it on purpose.
You download every baby/fertility app you can find, you do the stuff that the Dr tells you to do that MIGHT help no matter how painful it is, you count the days, so you can attempt to narrow down your ovulation days, you watch your period counter like it’s going to run away to see if you’re actually going to skip your period this month or if it’s going be another upsetting day for the two of you. None of this stops you from buying the baby stuff, the cute Disney stuff you’ve seen, the cute shoes, the nerdy onesie you bought because it matches the same nerdy shirt your husband has and you think how damn adorable will you two be matching just to find out that there is no two of them, the time comes and you’re upset and you know it’s going to be the two of you for a bit more and you tell yourself this every month. I don’t know about anyone else but I have a stockpile of baby things that I had to put in the storage because looking at it just starting giving my hopes up. To anyone else going through this or has been through this, you’re not alone, we are in it together, we continue to try and fight and do everything possible together.
We are somehow weirdly sisters in a large of women who often feel alone. But we are not. We have each other and our very own support groups to be there with us every step.