I Miss the Old Me


How did you deal with your depression? Comment below to share your thoughts!

I always heard the phrase “I miss the old me” when I was growing up. Well, here I am 41 years old and saying exactly the same phrase. I’ve been dealing with depression most of my adult life. It wasn’t until I joined the military and was subjected to military sexual trauma that I realized there’s so much more than feeling sad.

I now have PTSD, anxiety, panic disorders, and rape trauma issues. I’m always searching for the something to fix everything, but it doesn’t exist. Each day is a challenge and I must press on even when I feel like giving up. The worst part is my son who is now almost 20 years old and without him, I feel so lonely. He was the one to keep me busy enough to where I could kind of cope.

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My depression and anxiety are highlighted daily because I sit and have time to think. I did suffer from addiction to prescription pain medication. I had 8 back surgeries and about 22 in my abdomen. After two years of just abusing them to numb the thoughts, I asked for help. It’s been 5 years now and I’ve been clean.

I lay awake for hours at night just restless with racing thoughts, thinking about all the “should, could and would” in my life. I feel I will never get back to where I was ok, and the smallest things didn’t bother me. I’ve become a recluse because of the fear of judgment. 20 years ago, I was a lingerie model, now I barely leave my house.

Read more: Non-Medical Treatment Alternatives to Fight Depression

I do not have a support system; my 8 brothers and sisters are too busy in their mediocre lives to care about me. Sometimes I wonder if they would miss me if I left this earth. I’m a mother and that is what keeps my feet firmly on the ground.

How did you deal with your depression? Comment below to share your thoughts!