What were your first BPD symptoms? Take a Read, Comment to show your Support and Share if you can Relate.
Living with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is equivalent to living multiple separate lives. It’s the ultimate rollercoaster. Many people confuse BPD with Bipolar Disorder (BPD). BPD and Bipolar disorder are very similar, the major difference being the frequency and length of the mood swings. Whereas individuals with BPD may have a period of manic symptoms for a week and then have a period of depressive symptoms for two weeks, individuals with Bipolar disorder can be in a manic stage for an hour and then out of nowhere become depressive.
During periods of mania, I feel on top of the world. I feel like I’m the most beautiful woman in the world and I take my time doing my hair and makeup and enjoy looking at myself in the mirror. I also can be very flirty and have ended up participating in sexual activities that I later regretted. I’ve gone out and blown $400-$700 at the casino just because I had the extra money and I was feeling elated. I have done drugs because I felt the need to attempt to try and become more elevated. I don’t even need drugs to stay awake when I’m in a manic stage. I can stay up and be energized for as long as my mania lasts.
However, during my depressive periods, I’m either extremely mad or extremely sad. This happens almost out of nowhere a lot of days although I do have a few triggers. When I’m mad, I’m hateful to everyone, even those who are closest to me. Nothing can make me happy. I don’t want to hear anybody talk whatsoever and I’ve exploded and said things I regret in these times. I’ve made my mother cry and I’ve hurt my friends’ feelings. Luckily I’m not an aggressive person or I’d probably end up in fights. During my sad stages, I’m a terrible person. I want to die and my life is completely worthless. I’ll sob for hours and feel completely helpless and hopeless. I know that I’m responsible for a lot of my bad decisions and yet I can’t do anything to fix it.
I go to sleep every night and wonder who I’ll be the next morning. Will I wake up early and spend hours on my hair and makeup or will I wake up angry or depressed? My relationships are strained because I’m a difficult person to be around at times and I’m obsessively clingy due to fear of abandonment. I feel my emotions ten times as deep as others. I overthink every single thing. I detach myself from reality in ways that negatively impact my life and I am unable to cope with emotional or professional stress.
Living with BLPD is hell. There is no doubt about that. If you live with this disorder you know that. If your family member or someone you know lives with BLPD and you are there for them in their time of need and don’t abandon them, just know that you are a soldier and you deserve a medal.