I Was Struggling In the Dark for Five Years

schizophrenia asian woman

Hello everyone, I’m Jhonel and I was diagnosed with schizophrenia when I was 26 years old.

Before I graduated college I got depressed because of so many factors such as financial and emotional problems.

In addition to that, there were some family misunderstandings and trauma while I was growing up. Being an introvert, it was hard for me to talk to other people about my feelings. I have some trust issues and I’m afraid to be wrong. I was so quiet and isolated ever since I was I child. I studied hard in school, I depended on my friends for happiness. School, home, and church were the only things in the world that I ever knew.

It happened when I graduated from college. I got depressed because in the Philippines it’s hard to find a job. A year after graduating, I got my first job and I worked as an indexer in a BPO company. I was harassed by my coworkers and my boss. I accepted the job without thinking that it would be harmful to my health. I can’t be independent and away from my family because I’m sickly and I have an intestinal problem.

I take laxatives which may be the cause of developing some brain imbalances. I really need a living, but I’m not able to work at night because I started having insomnia. After 5 months, I’ve quit my night shift job. I went back to my troubled family in the province. There, I started acting weird and also thinking weird thoughts.

There was a time when my pastor helped me. He gave me a diary, but he eventually gave up on me. I messed up and left the church. I kept on posting my negative thoughts on social media. I fantasized that I would be an actress and I will be rich. I fell in love with an ex-convict which I have seen on the TV, envisioning that I will be with him someday. I posted anti-Christ phrases on Facebook. I was always in trouble with my mom and my siblings. My father died and I didn’t even cry. It was really hard for us. I am the eldest so I should have a job instead of isolating myself in a room doing nothing.

Sometimes my panic attacks emerged and I was like a monster or a Hulk. I was once slapped by my mom and also punched by my brother because of that. Every time that something pops up on my mind, I always write it – on scratch paper, on calendars, in books, and even in the Bible. I was like a crazy author writing everything, everywhere.

My mom also questioned me why I laughed alone. If I hadn’t had a family at that time, I would be homeless. For 5 years I was in the darkest of my life – it was very cold, miserable, and scary. My insomnia worsened every day. I just slept 2-4 hours and I wake up because I dreamt of devils, ghosts, monsters, violence, and other ugly creatures that I didn’t want to sleep anymore. I also experienced hearing different voices; voices that mock you, are angry at you, and curse you. All of these were the symptoms of schizophrenia.

schizophrenia voices woman

One day, I clearly understood what I was going through when my mom and my auntie brought me to a psychiatric clinic. I was interviewed by the psychiatrist, was diagnosed, and was prescribed medication. Through monthly examination, I have recovered. My mind relaxed and my condition improved. I also went back to work and eventually got married. I’ve been to hell and back.

I saw what will happen to a person who feels that he is alone, thinking that no one cares. He becomes numb and dumb, and with no compassion for others, and he doesn’t know the word Love. I don’t understand why there is a brain disease called schizophrenia.

I don’t know where it came from or why very kind people have it. Schizophrenics are soft-hearted, pitiful, courageous, and sensitive people who don’t know how to handle big problems because they see the world as happy and beautiful to live in. Every night I always pray to God that He may Bless me with a meaningful and beautiful life. I may disappoint Him because of my mental illnesses but He keeps me going. Every time I am scared of dreaming scary things, I just remember the story in the Bible “the demons and the pig” in Matthew 8:28-34.

I know that God will heal and protect me. He will not abandon me.

Thanks. I hope to inspire. 😊😇