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When you mention the word “insomnia” to people, most of them associate it with “not being able to fall asleep”, but, it is so much more than that for me. I’ve been suffering from anxiety for about 6 years, and it has shaped my life regarding my depression, everyday living, and my insomnia.
See, when you think of insomnia, you realize it is different for everyone. How did I realize there was something wrong? Let’s start off by mentioning I suffer from depression, so in the back of my mind, I already knew the situation I was in. It’s been a year and a half now since I began taking medication to treat my insomnia, or as I like to call it “my worst nightmare”. You would think I already knew in the beginning why it was happening, but no.
Read more: Life with Anxiety
My insomnia is shaped by my anxiety. During my last therapy session, which finally helped me understand my situation, my therapist said to me: “This is your anxiety talking to you through your sleep.” Let me explain why I decided to share this story.
I have trouble falling asleep and staying asleep.
My nights result in having awful, vile nightmares. They don’t happen every day, some days I’m lucky to sleep normally. Kind of. My nightmares are dreams about war. Nightmares about war. I have never been a fan of war movies, or war stories. I hate the fact these things even exist. So, you ask why I have nightmares about war if I am not associated with it in any way? This is why.
My every day is filled with anxiety. Anxiety about every little thing. When my therapist asked me:
“What do you do in your dreams? Do YOU participate in WAR?” My mind clicked. “No,” I said. “I just stand, observe, feel nothing, I feel empty.” It makes me cry, it makes me suffer. Having this kind of nightmares, standing and seeing awful things while not being able to do anything about it.
Read more: My Life with Anxiety
My anxiety has shaped my insomnia in this way. I am afraid, I am terrified of the world, this is why I don’t do anything in these dreams. I cannot help but feel empty because my depression and my anxiety do not let me feel when I should feel. My anxiety has my mind racing about “not being able to help anyone because I cannot even help myself”.
My insomnia is literal war. I fight it every day, every night, but every time, I come out of it as a survivor.