How did I get here?


What You Need to Know

Here’s a little back story for those who may or may not know me well. I am the oldest sibling with a brother, half brother, and half sister. My parents tried their best with all of us and certainly did better than what they grew up around. Let’s admit that when people have children at 19-21, they’re growing up as they raise you. I helped raise 2 of my brothers, and honestly I would not have it any other way. It made me grow up faster, but it also made me very self sufficient.

Addiction and mental health issues run rampant within my family (this explains my wonderful personality). I dealt with some mental and physical abuse as well. Before I was 10yrs old I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder because of my past. By the time I was 15yrs old, I had my first real ‘party’ which my mom knew, she figured I would drink regardless and it would be best in the safety of our home.

I don’t think anyone was prepared for the year or two following that I started consistently having parties drinking so much I would get alcohol poisoning, black out, skip school. I didn’t think I had a problem at the time, because I was still getting good grades. I wasn’t doing pills or lsd so it’s okay right? Wrong. So very wrong. Eventually my drinking became daily, then it wasn’t enough. I began ‘robo tripping’ with triple c’s and cough medicine. Of course I was smoking marijuana daily by then.

Eventually, my mother and I started fighting for different reasons and I moved out at 16 yrs old. After that I went from my grandma’s, which went from zero rules to you have a million rules so that did not work out. Then I moved to my dads, I thought it was better. I was working 2 jobs, going to school, had straight a’s – this didn’t last long. I was still drinking, then I started doing acid and research chemicals with my friends (10 out of 10 would not recommend). 2 days before I turned 17, I came home and my dad saw me stumble and asked if I had been drinking. It was basically ww3 starting between us, I was so use to not having any rules and doing whatever I wanted that being told what to do would make me flip out and do things just to spite you.

My father had to call the police and I received a minor in possession ticket, that was my very first run in with the police and that led to my first court mandated classes. It still wasn’t enough and even though my dad was just trying to be a dad, I moved out.

When I moved my use progressed like wild fire and if you saw me sober between 2011-2013 I am surprised. I began selling weed and oxy 80’s (we use to get them for $10, what happened???) The pain pills were unlike any high I had ever had and I never wanted to stop. It’s crazy looking back and realizing all the crap that factored together made you an addict.

I talk about this stuff to raise awareness and show people that getting clean and being in recovery is worth it. I wouldn’t take back any of my struggle, absolutely none of it. This has all made me stronger, I never thought I would have made it this far. I’ve had 5 rehab stays, 3 different cases through St. Charles county, I’ve been incarcerated 4 times, I’ve claimed bankruptcy, I’ve lost people, houses, cars – but everytime I got back up and still kept trying. If you’re struggling please reach out.

I am going to do 2 posts a week, this month will cover my past leading up to my recovery date of 3/09/2019. Thanks for reading!!