Fighting Schizophrenia for Control

I started to hate myself when I was really young. I can honestly admit that I don’t remember a time when I was truly happy. Maybe happiness is not for everyone. I am trying honestly; I don’t want to be this way. I hate living this way, but I truly do not know what to do.

A great example of what I mean is I currently am sitting at a fantastic Chinese restaurant eating one of my favorite meals as I write this. Most people would sit here and enjoy their meal if they were alone, they may even read a news article or watch the television that is currently playing. Then there is me. I sit here and cannot focus on anything, the people are really loud, the television won’t stop making repetitive noises as the wheel of fortune is on. There is no reason for it, but this is starting to make my blood boil, controlling my emotions is an ability that I have lost a long time ago and I currently am to the point that I just might start to cry.

The voices in my head refuse to stop and I do not know how much longer I could ignore them. I really want to get help but I do not know how, today I signed up for online counseling as I am just too scared to go see someone in person because my head fights against me. I do not want to feel this way, but I am to a point that I just don’t know what to do anymore.

My life has always been this way it wasn’t until I lost her that things took a huge turn to the worst. That is when I started to feel like I was losing control of myself, to the point as of late I truly do not know when you’re taking control of me or it’s me. I am losing myself, I’m so scared that I cry at night because I just do not know what to do anymore. I used to drink so much so I could pass out and forget you were there but then that started getting even worse for me than having you there.

You started out being nice to me. You used to give me encouragement and I kind of started to trust you. I thought maybe this was the part of my head that I was missing. Then I started to see you and I thought I had a roommate until I introduced you to my friends and they could not see you. I was so confused and scared. I was 24 years old and living with an imaginary friend, I had no clue what was going on and I had no one to turn to for help.

The only thing I know is that I am stronger than you and I will beat you.

I started to get used to you and thought you were there for a reason you always were nice and you truly did help me. I miss the old you. I was nowhere near as scared when you were nice to me. I do not know what I did to upset you but you started to get mean to me like really mean to me. You would not stop putting me down, you would even wake me up and make me feel like shit about myself. You were so real to me and I could not escape you. I have become comfortable with the idea that you will always be there, but I am scared for my own safety, I can’t get you to stop you never stop and I can’t do this forever. I do not even know if I can do this for another year.

I am constantly scared that you are more than just my head playing tricks with me. I am worried that you are going to actually hurt me one day. I am scared that you are going to hurt the people that I love because you are jalousie of the affection that they show me. I really do not know what you are capable of but I do know that you are capable of controlling my life. I do know that you can have me so scared that I will not leave the house for days on end, I do know that you can convince me to kick people out of my life. I do know that I just can’t take it any longer. I do know that I am scared of getting help because you keep t telling me that if I do seek help that they are just going to lock me into a facility.

The worst part is I believe you, I let you control me because I hope it gets you to stop, stop being mean to me, stop reminding me that I am useless. Trust me I already know. I just want you gone I really do. I just want to not hear your voice anymore. I just want to have myself back. I am starting to feel like you are learning to control my body. I feel as if you’re slowly starting to take over who I am I feel lost and disconnected and I really do not know what to do.

The only thing I know is that I am stronger than you and I will beat you. Trust me I have no clue how I am going to and I am terrified, I truly am but I will win this. I will defeat you and I will take control of myself once again. I might not be able to tell you who I need to talk to or what I need to do but I am becoming more and more aware of what you’re doing to me, I really am.