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When I was a young child, I was sexually abused by my stepdad. My mother did not believe me even when the state took me away and gave custody to my grandparents. She stayed with this man for 2 years after he had been to jail for not only abusing me but two other girls in our neighborhood. This man only spent 6 months in jail with work release and then got to continue his life as a Jehovah Witness. He remarried and got three more daughters.
I was abused from the time I was 3 years old until I was 12 and was told that I would not be able to have children. Gratefully, I can honestly say I was blessed at the age of 26 with a daughter and at 31 years of age, with a son. At 31 years of age when I got pregnant with my son, I was told that I had uterine cancer caused by a disease called the human papillomavirus that more than likely was given to me when I was young.
Read more: Me, Struggling with PTSD
Needless to say, I have overcome all of the physical aspects of the abuse but the mental effects are getting worse as I get older and harder to control. I thought I had it under control when I was younger but now I realize that I don’t. I have a serious depression and anxiety disorder, a social disorder and a feeling of not being accepted at all because I’m not like any of the other people. I try very hard to put on a smile and to act normal but inside I know I am not normal and I actually don’t even know what normal is.
Therefore, it’s a very confusing state of mind always feeling not good enough or not worthy of having a good life like my friends have. I tried very hard not to compare but then again, it’s hard not to compare when you feel alone. I lived in a secluded area growing up. I lived in a log cabin in Idaho with my mother and stepdad and I had a pony that I rode to school. My school was under a church, in the basement. There were only 17 kids in my class.
Read more: How My Childhood Got Me PTSD
Then, when I was taken away, I was 12 and had to move to a big town and go to a big school. I didn’t even know what a locker was. It was very scary and I felt like I didn’t fit in there. Unfortunately, this feeling never went away as hard as I’ve tried to make it. I seem to invite men that like to hurt me and put me down. Now that I’m older I see that but it still doesn’t stop because I can’t seem to find the strength to stand up for myself. I always feel like I have to make that person happy even though they’re treating me badly and I know it!
The very hard thing is that I know I deserve better. I know I have the choice but I’m scared to take the chance. I like the security blanket because I’m scared that I cannot do it on my own but yet I’m very independent. I don’t like people telling me what to do. It’s a very confusing state of mind. In all seriousness, I don’t love and I don’t know what being in love is because I don’t trust it and I don’t believe in it.
THE ONLY, ONLY TRUE LOVE I HAVE IS FOR MY CHILDREN.