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My journey started when I was 15. It was my first hospitalization because I attempted to overdose on aspirins. I didn’t know better. I was diagnosed, but my family didn’t believe in mental issues. This is why I left the hospital, threw away my prescription and kept getting in trouble, arrested or got high. I kept trying to overdose in jail. They sent me to the hospital, gave me charcoal, then sent me back.
The funny thing is that I didn’t know it was a health problem. I fought with officers for fun and laugh at weapons possessions. The judge would say I was disrespectful in his court and after cursing him, I laughed at going back to jail. I wish I accepted help or got more information. I’m 43 now and I see a therapist but it’s still hard for me to accept medications. I have lost a lot of therapists over the years. They don’t like to work with BPD (borderline personality disorder) or say they don’t have experience with this diagnosis.
People with BPD are so hard with moods swaying as the winds. I can go from laughter to rage with 1 wrong word. It’s not the life I want, it chose me. I’ve tried a lot of medications but after a while, they stop working so I get frustrated. I have kids and I’m scared they might see an episode so when they are home I wear a mask that everything is fine. I force a smile or laugh but it’s not me. I just want to cry, which I do often in public. I also self-harm by cutting and wear long shirts so I never have to explain myself.
Read more: Life with Borderline Personality Disorder
I love my family, hubby, children, and grandson but when suicidal it is hard to think rationally. With all my health issues, I wouldn’t want to be a burden to them. My chronic pain makes my mental health suffer more. I wish I was stable at this age, but it’s hard work between keeping busy, helping others, groups, therapists, and psychiatrist and I still need more. I do nature walks, scenery walks, drive, move my furniture around. I need different things. When I go for coffee with a friend I feel much better. My advice to people with this disorder to always find something new to keep your mind busy with exercise, yoga or just a walk around the block. Do the best you can to change those negative thoughts, do positive things. Mandela arts work too.