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My journey started when I was 15. It was my first hospitalization because I attempted to overdose on aspirins. I didn’t know better. I was diagnosed, but my family didn’t believe in mental issues. This is why I left the hospital, threw away my prescription and kept getting in trouble, arrested or got high. I kept trying to overdose in jail. They sent me to the hospital, gave me charcoal, then sent me back.
The funny thing is that I didn’t know it was a health problem. I fought with officers for fun and laugh at weapons possessions. The judge would say I was disrespectful in his court and after cursing him, I laughed at going back to jail. I wish I accepted help or got more information. I’m 43 now and I see a therapist but it’s still hard for me to accept medications. I have lost a lot of therapists over the years. They don’t like to work with BPD (borderline personality disorder) or say they don’t have experience with this diagnosis.
Read more: The Difference Between BPD and Bipolar Disorder
People with BPD are so hard with moods swaying as the winds. I can go from laughter to rage with 1 wrong word. It’s not the life I want, it chose me. I’ve tried a lot of medications but after a while, they stop working so I get frustrated. I have kids and I’m scared they might see an episode so when they are home I wear a mask that everything is fine. I force a smile or laugh but it’s not me. I just want to cry, which I do often in public. I also self-harm by cutting and wear long shirts so I never have to explain myself.
Read more: Life with Borderline Personality Disorder
I love my family, hubby, children, and grandson but when suicidal it is hard to think rationally. With all my health issues, I wouldn’t want to be a burden to them. My chronic pain makes my mental health suffer more. I wish I was stable at this age, but it’s hard work between keeping busy, helping others, groups, therapists, and psychiatrist and I still need more. I do nature walks, scenery walks, drive, move my furniture around. I need different things. When I go for coffee with a friend I feel much better. My advice to people with this disorder to always find something new to keep your mind busy with exercise, yoga or just a walk around the block. Do the best you can to change those negative thoughts, do positive things. Mandela arts work too.
