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My story begins by being born from a young mother who was sick with a heroin addiction. She was too sick to care for me and I was often abandoned and severely neglected. I was in and out of the hospitals many times in my infancy due to malnutrition, being fed spoiled milk, severe diaper rash, and respiratory infections, and so on. Around 18 months old was in car accident, hit by a drunk driver and I wasn’t in a car seat. I flew out of a car and ended up with bleeding in my brain, contusions on my face and I was in a coma for three months.
After released from the hospital, my mother left me with an adult who was an alcoholic and passed out. At 11 pm police found me wondering the streets unclothed at around two years old. I was taken into the foster system and became a ward of the court from two years old to 19 years old. During that time, I was physically disabled due to a car accident and never got the treatment I needed. I was sexually assaulted before the age of five, between the ages of ten and thirteen, between the ages of fifteen and seventeen years old, between twenty-five and thirty-five years old.
I was physically, emotionally, verbally and spiritually abused between the years of two to thirty-three. From childhood to the early twenties I was considered mute since I wasn’t taught how to communicate with others. Moved around more than 100 times and lived with hundreds of strangers in my life that were considered my family. I ran away numerous times throughout my life and I have been homeless for more than ten years.
Read more: Being In an Abusive Relationship
My mother was murdered by her pimp when I was sixteen years old. She was only thirty-four years old. Never knew my family, except my sister from my mother’s side who was also put into the system. I met some family members later on in my life. I met some on mother’s side after she passed and some of my father’s side in my early thirties. From the time I was fifteen up until now, I deal with insomnia, depression, anxiety, PTSD, BPD (Borderline Personalities), PMDD, anger issues, self-destructive behaviors, and an addictive personality. I also have homicidal and suicidal tendencies. As far as physical issues, I deal with seizures, hearing loss, paralysis on the left side of the body and a fracture in my C-1 (the spinal column that connects to the skull).
I am not supposed to do high-risk activities but I only have one life. If it’s something that I’m really interested in, I’m going to take that risk. I know if I end up a paraplegic or dead, at least the last thing I did was having fun. At thirty-two, I was assaulted by someone who was really rough with me during a sexual encounter and caused three of my cervical spine columns to protrude. That caused severe spinal cord damage, nerve damage and I was turning into a paraplegic. Paralysis was kicking in really bad. I wasn’t able to hold things in my hands or write. Wasn’t able to feel when I had to use the restroom. I had severe nerve pain to the point where I couldn’t move my left arm.
When I went to doctor’s I found out that I had the C-1 fracture, three protruding disks in the cervical spine, stenosis of the spine, degenerative bone disease in upper spine and arthritis in the upper spine. Due to paralysis kicking in, I needed a spinal fusion to release pressure off of spinal cord. Surgery went well, but down in recovery my lung collapsed and my heart stopped for four minutes. I was considered dead until they could find my emergency contact. I was put on defibrillator and they put chest tubes in to bring me back to life.
Read more: How I Fight my PTSD
During 2016 and 2017, I had two right knee surgeries. I had a tear in my meniscus and arthritis behind the kneecap. The second surgery was done to repair another tear in my meniscus, a tear in my ACL and another for arthritis in the same knee. Have a deranged knee cap but surgeon says I’m too young to get a replacement. I live with chronic pain due to neck and knee surgeries. I don’t take pain medicine because they don’t work. My doctor told me that people who deal with chronic pain aren’t supposed to take pain medicine for the rest of their lives and need to learn how to cope with their pain.
Now, when it comes to my mental health issues, a lot of it’s due to trauma, abuse, abandonment and trust issues that I have never dealt with. I have a history of self-destructive behaviors like taking too many pills and mixing them with alcohol then getting into the bath and passing out. Cutting and burning myself to get a release to help deal with severe anxiety or emotional pain. In my early years, sixteen to mid-twenties I had impulsive careless sex with men that I had no emotional connection with. I was never shown love or taught how to love so I used sex and listened to men who told me the wrong things. I’ve witnessed many violent crimes. I became numb to violence unless it involves children, elderly and innocent people.
I’ve dealt with drug abuse off and on for many years but never have been arrested, sold myself or lost my housing due to my drug use. I still struggle with drug use today but I find that the biggest problem for me is that it can make me lose my mind and I don’t want to lose it at all. The major issue that I deal with is PMDD which is a worse version of PMS. It makes me crazy and extremely emotional. I’ve found that in these last few years I’m being tested more and more. The result will be finally giving up or managing to fight with all the problems.
Read more: My Tainted Life
Even at times when I’m at the point where I was so close to ending it all, there’s always a stronger force that would take over and give me my strength back to keep fighting. I’ve learned how to love myself a lot better but still could use some more work, learned how to love my family. I don’t blame or hold grudges or regret anything or anyone for the life that was given to me. My God gave it to me for a reason and I’m thankful, grateful and appreciate it all. I’ve learned a lot and I’m still learning so much. I don’t believe in giving up when you truly love someone.
The final conclusion is that I’m still a work in progress. I’m mentally, spiritually, and physically stronger but I’ve also become very fragile when it comes to my mind and heart. However, I can’t let my fear, insecurities, or negativity get in the way of a life that I deserve. I think it’s time for me to know what being happy and having love in my life means. I know there are still going to be very difficult times that will continue to test my beliefs, faith, strength, heart, love and patience, but I know that I’m going to be just fine. I believe in myself and trust that it’s all going to work out in the end.
