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I loved everything about Brice. However, Brice was addicted to drugs. He loved heroin more than he loved life. I just wanted love so badly but I couldn’t get the love I needed from the man I wanted.
So, I decided to chase that love with drugs. More specifically, a tie off, lighters, a needle and a spoon. I loved to speed and he loved to rest. Together we were toxic but I couldn’t let go.
Read more: My Addiction Journey
We began to explode on one another, having fits of rage and before I knew it, nothing was as perfect as it had once been. We let drugs ruin us. He’s still out there but me? Meth is my only love. It’s the only thing that hasn’t left me.
I hate how I’ve become and I cannot get the person that I once was back, nor can I get back the man I once fell in love with. No matter what I do, I am unable to revive what was once the spitting image of a fairy tale. Of what love is supposed to be.
I miss everything about the person I was before I began using dope and before I met him. Now, it’s too late. Every day is a battle between not giving up; I’m on my last strand already. I don’t have any hopes, wishes or dreams. I gave those up a long time ago because getting my hopes up was more than I could handle.
Now, I am at the point where immunity is the only thing I can feel besides pain. I don’t know what a future is anymore and I have no wish to continue on. Yet I still have this tiny bit of hope, somewhere inside me, that holds onto the fact that maybe, one day, Brice and I will be okay.
Read more: How I Overcame 10 Years of Opiate Addiction
I love you, Brice. I truly hope that one day I will be more important to you than dope. I hope that one day I can wake up and smile without needing dope; that I can look at myself in the mirror and know who is looking back.